Talk:Cohort-The Sho'Tak Raid
If I could make one suggestion it is that I feel your narritve would improve and feel less breakneck to read if you drew out some scenes with imagry. Everything reads like its happening within seconds of one another and it's hard to keep up with it in some cases. Slowing it down with some fluffy imagry and such could go a long way to making it a bit more comfortable to read. Now also the characterization of the Tau seems spot on to me, but again, especially with Var'ei and her commanding officer a bit of a description or imagry would really help out. I had trouble really visualizing their scenes and what was going on. That might just be me though. Other than that I have to say that no one captures the Mechanicus like you do Plauge its a damn beautiful thing to read. I would like to ask if their adepts are really capable of insubordination like Adept Haggith, as I never pictured an Admech smiling or disobeying direct orders due to bloodlust. All thought provoking stuff.T42 (talk) 10:58, December 20, 2014 (UTC) Thank you T for an honest review...which chapter parts in particular did you feel needed some descriptive stuffing? I understand the hanger portion but is there another spot in particular I should cast a critical eye over? Allow me a demonstration. This is your body...WITHOUT FIBER! (talk) 01:07, December 21, 2014 (UTC) Almost all of the combat scenes, save for the Vorax assault on the Tau civies, could really benifit from some description of the scene. Like when the Vorax are engaging the Stealth Suits I have no context for the engagement. Are they shooting at the Stealth Suits out in the open or in some kinda rocky outcropping? What are the Stealth Suits using for cover? How is it they cannot seem to land a hit on the Voraxes? And then the battle with the Crisis Suit it was up and down... like the discriptions of the Voraxes assault fire ripping the factory apart was good but then we go back to this strange emptyness with the Vorax ambush on the three man team. Where did it hide? And what angel did the beasty attack from? What kind of retaliatory damage did it suffer? Finally... Var'Ei's scene at the death of the Etheral, her agnuish feels empty and simply discribed. The words dont make me FEEL that anguish that I know she should have. Describe her pain, how her stomach must knot up seeing the Etheral unprotected, how her anguish leapt into her throat as he was decapitated by the vile Gue'la. Theres alot that needs to be there and its not. Its like a screenplay as opposed to a narritve. Finally the Earth Cast survivor, how he moves through the burning factory is so... empty in narritve. Man you have a scene where the Vorax are practically on TOP of him. You should take advantage of that scene, have him see the gore smattering the things feet, how the hellish glow of the fire relfects like blood on the machines cold chaisis, and finally just how unbeleivably terrfied he is to be THAT close to the very things that slaughtered practically everyone he knew and worked with. Also note that for alot of us the Admech robots are an obscure peice of lore and the new ones might be even more so, feel free to really give us a feel for the look and feel of these machines. Scale too as I was for the longest time unsure of the scale of the Vorax until they eliminated three Crisis suits in hand to hand combat. All I knew was that they were roughly the size of a horse or something. Hope this stuff helps Plauge again this is all my opinion and I am not a flawless writer, there is alot of powerful stuff here, your narritve describes the 40k universe in all of its horror from a perspective rarely seen as the Admech are not easy to portray. Theres so much good here I'm just happy to know the writer. T42 (talk) 02:03, December 21, 2014 (UTC)